the last week has been a blur of busyness and stress. more often than not i’ve woken up with a not so pleasant kink in my neck from tossing and turning during the night. you know when your days seem to blend together? like some silky oil painting, only not in the colors you want.
you’re kind of in a trance. the music you’re pumping through your headphones isn’t quite cutting it. your third cup of coffee isn’t giving you your normal buzz. and you are a little bit lost in the most familiar of places.
i’m a big believer that lack of passion really is fatal. i’m a very passionate person and i actively seek out inspiration in my life at all times. i refuse to let a cloak of monotony shut out the light in my life. but still, it’s easier said than done. when people ask me what’s up or how i’m doing, it seems that the automated answer that spills from my mouth is “work school, work school”.
it’s hard to keep myself here on the ground. sometimes i catch myself in the middle of class, my mind like a balloon drifting up into the sky.
well shit, time to change this song.
wow, well i really haven’t written anything here in the longest time. between my last post and now:
- i finished my internship in london
- had my hair bleached platinum blonde
- finally bought one of those awesome little black hats that make me a perfect londoner (but here in eugene, too hipster to function)
- flew from london to new york
- attended new york fashion week
- took the new york subway (also got lost taking the subway)
- ate cookies in times square with my best friend
- flew from new york to portland
- met my parents at the airport with a big smile
- moved back to eugene
- shaved part of my hair and dyed it purple
- started a new job with a study abroad organization
- started my senior year of college
- and here i am now
what i wasn’t prepared for at all was how difficult it would be to move home. i definitely went through a couple weeks of mild “depression” (i put it in quotes because my down times are usually a normal person’s happy times). everything felt like a challenge - and one i didn’t want at all. after exploring the delightful unknown in europe for eight months, it felt utterly inhibiting to move back home. i searched for inspiration and clarity. and what i found was my face smeared with last night’s makeup and some vomit on the floor at my friend’s apartment after attempting to “have fun” and take shots of whiskey out of a plastic bottle.
going to the gym was a whole different story. i felt like i was entering some warped machinist world. tvs dangled from the ceiling one after another: your choice of the cooking channel, Kardashians, the ones who look and act like the Kardashians but are possibly even more annoying, other annoying people yelling at each other - and sports. i desperately tried to motivate myself to burn off an ounce of the weight i gained in cheese consumption, but i couldn’t help but feel like this was the most inorganic experience of my life. thankfully, the endorphins always made it worth it.
i struggled to share with my friends and family what my experience abroad really was. it was epic, it was everything. it changed me, my life, my attitude. it brought me to another level of life that i feel overjoyed to have entered. but trust me, it can be difficult to relay how magical that night in berlin was, smoking and talking about passions until six am, when your uber conservative dad is sitting next to you, brows furrowed in apprehension of times already past.
i didn’t want to be the kid to come back from an adventure abroad and tell tales about an experience i know i am grossly fortunate to have. wouldn’t we all want to gallivant around europe for close to a year? the world at your fingertips, the moments rolling by like stills from your favorite motion picture…